My dad died four and one-half months ago. I miss him. I worry about my mom. Grief is hard. Recently, my son called and said he was worried that I was going to "crack up" from being "strong" for everyone. Well he was close, but not quite right. This weekend, I came close to cracking up, but not from being strong, but from being co-dependant.
That's right. My name is Carla and I am co-dependant. Most people think of co-dependants as people who enable alcoholics and drug users, but that's not always the case. Many co-dependants are teacher's pets and super achievers. We might be known for all the wonderful things that we do. People can count on us for anything and everything. We take on tasks no one even asked us to do. Wow, aren't we wonderful?
The problem is not that we do these wonderful things, its WHY we do these wonderful things. Mother Theresa and Ghandi might have done wonderful things out of the goodness of their hearts, but co-dependants people do things for people, or avoid saying no to people, or don't speak their minds to people in order to earn, for lack of a better expression...to earn Brownie Points. Then we keep a little score card in our head about all the Brownie Points we've earned and then, if the person doesn't know about little score card and doesn't pay us back by doing what we want them to do...we get unreasonably MAD.
You see, co-dependancy is a form of interpersonal manipulation rooted in low self-esteem. If you have low self-esteem, you go out of your way to MAKE people like you. We try to build our self-esteem by earning girl scout badges, earning degrees, and saying yes to every request, even if we don't want to. Its all about the Brownie Points and maybe if I get enough Brownie points, I'll be your favorite. Why do I have low self-esteem? It might have something to do with being molested, or being bigger and fatter than everyone, or even having at sibling at 15 months. Who knows? Who cares? It doesn't really matter what the cause is. It just is.
When my dad died, I held him in my arms and told him I loved him. I think I got the ultimate Brownie points with him that day. Who knows? Then, my strong and strong-willed mother became vulnerable and weak and in my own grief and because it really was the only thing I knew how to do, I swooped in to "take care of her". In my mind, it was all really working quite well and I was earning Brownie Points like crazy...until, my mother finally began to emerge from her grief and began to occasionally snap at me "you don't have do figure out my life for me" and then this weekend, hit me right between the eyes with "I don't want to go on the cruise with you". I mean, right between the eyes. I didn't see it coming.
What? What? I have 8 millions Brownie points built up with you and you don't want to go with me? What's wrong with me? What about all the times I never said no to your requests to do this or that? My mom said...'I thought you did these things because you loved me". Yes, but...there was always a scorecard and my scorecard was getting so high that I knew I must be earning "most favored child status".
So instead of realizing that my mother was finally emerging from her grief enough to speak her mind and be less vulnerable, I took it personally. So personally that I cried for 36 hours straight. Enough to make me realize that there was something far deeper going on than disappointment.
Hey, I'm pretty smart. I see co-dependency in my patients all the time and I know that the one marker for co-dependancy is anger when you do for people and don't feel like they do back for you. Remember, life's a score-card to the co-dependant person.
Okay. Well then.
Momma, I'm happy that you are beginning to get better and can speak your mind. After lots and lots of thought, I know Kevin and I are really going to enjoy our cruise together. You are right, we need time together because, while "taking care of you" I've been neglecting him.
Trying to meet someone's needs while keeping the all the brownie points score cards is truly exhausting. It is at the root of every interpersonal relationship disaapointment I've ever had. I spend all my time trying to make people happy (except perhaps the most important person in my life; my husband, because he makes me feel so safe). It makes me sad that I can't get all the people in my life with brownie point score cards to care about what I care about. You see, I've earned those points...you should care about what I care about.
I'm a mess. But at least I recognize the problem now and will try to do the things I do for the right reasons. I'll try to nurture my own self. I'll try to figure out how to say no when I really want to say no and not feel guilty for it.
Do you think I'll really be able to get my act together before my time on this earth is done?
