Blog Therapy

My dad died four and one-half months ago. I miss him. I worry about my mom. Grief is hard. Recently, my son called and said he was worried that I was going to "crack up" from being "strong" for everyone. Well he was close, but not quite right. This weekend, I came close to cracking up, but not from being strong, but from being co-dependant.

That's right. My name is Carla and I am co-dependant. Most people think of co-dependants as people who enable alcoholics and drug users, but that's not always the case. Many co-dependants are teacher's pets and super achievers. We might be known for all the wonderful things that we do. People can count on us for anything and everything. We take on tasks no one even asked us to do. Wow, aren't we wonderful?

The problem is not that we do these wonderful things, its WHY we do these wonderful things. Mother Theresa and Ghandi might have done wonderful things out of the goodness of their hearts, but co-dependants people do things for people, or avoid saying no to people, or don't speak their minds to people in order to earn, for lack of a better expression...to earn Brownie Points. Then we keep a little score card in our head about all the Brownie Points we've earned and then, if the person doesn't know about little score card and doesn't pay us back by doing what we want them to do...we get unreasonably MAD.

You see, co-dependancy is a form of interpersonal manipulation rooted in low self-esteem. If you have low self-esteem, you go out of your way to MAKE people like you. We try to build our self-esteem by earning girl scout badges, earning degrees, and saying yes to every request, even if we don't want to. Its all about the Brownie Points and maybe if I get enough Brownie points, I'll be your favorite. Why do I have low self-esteem? It might have something to do with being molested, or being bigger and fatter than everyone, or even having at sibling at 15 months. Who knows? Who cares? It doesn't really matter what the cause is. It just is.

When my dad died, I held him in my arms and told him I loved him. I think I got the ultimate Brownie points with him that day. Who knows? Then, my strong and strong-willed mother became vulnerable and weak and in my own grief and because it really was the only thing I knew how to do, I swooped in to "take care of her". In my mind, it was all really working quite well and I was earning Brownie Points like crazy...until, my mother finally began to emerge from her grief and began to occasionally snap at me "you don't have do figure out my life for me" and then this weekend, hit me right between the eyes with "I don't want to go on the cruise with you". I mean, right between the eyes. I didn't see it coming.

What? What? I have 8 millions Brownie points built up with you and you don't want to go with me? What's wrong with me? What about all the times I never said no to your requests to do this or that? My mom said...'I thought you did these things because you loved me". Yes, but...there was always a scorecard and my scorecard was getting so high that I knew I must be earning "most favored child status".

So instead of realizing that my mother was finally emerging from her grief enough to speak her mind and be less vulnerable, I took it personally. So personally that I cried for 36 hours straight. Enough to make me realize that there was something far deeper going on than disappointment.

Hey, I'm pretty smart. I see co-dependency in my patients all the time and I know that the one marker for co-dependancy is anger when you do for people and don't feel like they do back for you. Remember, life's a score-card to the co-dependant person.

Okay. Well then.

Momma, I'm happy that you are beginning to get better and can speak your mind. After lots and lots of thought, I know Kevin and I are really going to enjoy our cruise together. You are right, we need time together because, while "taking care of you" I've been neglecting him.

Trying to meet someone's needs while keeping the all the brownie points score cards is truly exhausting. It is at the root of every interpersonal relationship disaapointment I've ever had. I spend all my time trying to make people happy (except perhaps the most important person in my life; my husband, because he makes me feel so safe). It makes me sad that I can't get all the people in my life with brownie point score cards to care about what I care about. You see, I've earned those points...you should care about what I care about.

I'm a mess. But at least I recognize the problem now and will try to do the things I do for the right reasons. I'll try to nurture my own self. I'll try to figure out how to say no when I really want to say no and not feel guilty for it.

Do you think I'll really be able to get my act together before my time on this earth is done?

Time for an Update

Its hard to keep blogs updated when your my age because time flies. Let's see, in the last 11 days since my last post, nothing bad has happened so that's good! I go to work, care for my patients, do mountains of paperwork, and then come home and play in my "studio". Had a very nice four day weekend though. On Saturday, we took my dad out for a cruise on the lake in a rented pontoon. All the sibs and spouses were together and it was a fun time. Kevin even managed to catch a bull trout that looked pregnant. Pictures are posted on my facebook. Then
on Monday, Kevin and I went on a little date which was nice. We had lunch at the Olive Garden (thanks docs!) and saw the Karate Kid (better than the original I thought and pretty good). Other than that I'm just busy busy busy and putter putter putter. Finished a tote bag for my mother in laws 85th birthday on the first. On the 27th of this month Natalie will be nine and I found a great little carved 4 poster bed for 18 inch dolls on craigs list and made a bed skirt, sheet set and little miniature quilt with fairies. Can't wait until she sees it. Hudson is getting ready to crawl! James and Leanna say things are finally settling down for them and I'm sure they are happy about that!

I also finished a good size wall hanging, picture posted on face book and will be starting a class at Quilt University online on realistic quilt portraits. I know exactly the picture I want to do -- its of my dad, sort of squatted down in front of the ocean in Hawaii. He looks relaxed and happy. Hope I can do the picture justice.

We did say goodbye to our sweet old dog, Ivory. She was put to sleep at River City Vet and they did an awesome job. It was a very sweet ending. Makes you wonder why we can't do that for people who are suffering but that's I know that's a very slippery slope topic.

We are enjoying our new Shih Tzu. She's a character and a clutz to the max. Kevin has started calling her Mutt Suzie (because he nicknames all things) but I am thinking of changing the spelling to be more japanese , ie Mutsuzi and letting the name stick. Chins are definitely more refined than Shih Tzu's but I like being able to snuggle her without getting covered with hair so I think we'll probably stick with Shih Tzu's for that reason alone!

I think that about covers my last 11 days. No new profound aha moments, no drama. Just life! See ya!

My Honey

Just look at that sweet face. That's my honey. We'll be married 36 years this July. I was 18 when we married, so that means two-thirds of my life has been spent with him.

Everyone says marriage is hard work and certainly there are challenges, but I can honestly say that being married to Kevin is pretty easy. Oh, he's got his quirks...sneezing attacks at the MOST inopportune times, fixation with lightbulbs, and he's kind of stubborn but these quirks pale compared to his good qualities.

Kevin GETS me, where very few other people really do. My Myers Briggs personality survey said my personality type INFJ was less than 1% of the population and so complex that even the person with that personality can't figure themselves out. Sometimes he suffers from matrimonial deafness, but if I ever really have a problem or feel sad and need someone to talk to, he is always there and always a comfort. As Dr. Phil says, he's my soft place to fall.

My dad has said that if it weren't for Kevin, I would have probably been married three times already. That stung...but I think he is really saying what I just said above. Either that, or I'm such a pain in the butt that no one but Saint Kevin would put up with me. I prefer to think its the first option.

My son said his wife completes him. I feel that way about Kevin too. He is Yin to my Yang.

I am too frank sometimes...he is always political and considerate of others feelings.

I have a touch of ADD and he is steady and ritualistic and calming.

He likes me just the way I am and has never ever one asked me to change for him.

He thinks I am really special and talented and takes as much pride in my quilts as I do. He even tolerates quilt shops and likes to help me pick out border fabrics. (The women just swoon over him in the quilt stores).

He loves our kids and our dogs and our parents without reservation. He is a natural caregiver but that doesn't make him any less masculine!

He's still a horn dog after all these years!

We still hold hands whenever we walk together.

He makes me want to be a better person for him.

I feel secure in his love.

I love you Kevin.

Menopausal Zest*

I'm about to do something that might surprise people. Its hard to describe why I want to do this, but it does have something to do with menopausal zest. From an article by Mary Jane Horton, a medical writer for CBS, "More than two decades ago, anthropologist Margaret Mead said, "There is no more creative force in the world than a menopausal woman with zest."

I truly feel this. Energy, joy of living, happy and fulfilled. Free of the anxieties of child rearing, happy how my children turned out, and enjoying my grandchildren. I'm getting more creative and not afraid to be different, quirky or wrong. Its hard to explain, so I have attempted a lame adaptation of the poem, "When I am an old woman".


When I am an old woman, I will wear a diamond in my nose,
To show off the sparkle I feel in my soul.
I shall spend every penny on fabric and thread,
And spend endless hours making quilts for beds.
Handmaking treasures and passing them on,
So perhaps people will remember me fondly.

I'll live in jeans and t-shirts and comfortable shoes,
And consider putting on pantyhose to be a good day's exercise.
Put my hands in the dirt every summer day,
Turn my face to the sun, Kiss my pets,
And let my wrinkles show off the smile in my eyes.

I'll hold hands with my love for as long as we have.
And if he goes first, there will be no other.
But I'll turn my heart to others who need me,
Even digging ditches in Africa if need be.

I'll kindly say what I think and not fear to disagree.
Remember how hard it is to be young.
And look for beauty everywhere,
Even as my vision begins to dim.

Alas, I must work every day and pay all the bills,
Rebuild 401K's and emergency funds.
Mentor the next generation, care for the previous one,
And be part of the strongest generation.

But I'm bristling with energy and loving my life.
I've never felt such sparkle.
So when you see my nose diamond, don't be surprised.
I'm loving my life and reds hats just won't do!

*With apologies to Jenny Joseph and her poem, "When I am an old woman."

Kevin's Brother and Sister Visit

We had a blast! Chris, Joey, and Kevin got in lots of fishing, but forgot to take lots of pictures. Perhaps the highlight of the trip was our 20 mile ride on the Trail of the Coeur d'Alenes. Of course, Bonne and I visited several quilt shops and spent some time making our embroidered bags. Seems like their 5 day stay went so quickly. We can't wait until the next time we get together.

Wordless Wednesday

Summary Saturday

Hi. I got the idea for organizing blog entries from my neice Lacey. She uses Wordless Wednesdary (for pictures) and Flashback Friday (as an oldfolk I should have lots of these) and I am going to add Summary Saturday. I want to encourage all my other peeps (you know who you are to do this) because it will help keep our blogs going when it feels like there is nothing to say.

Anyway, since it's Saturday, I shall summarize...

Kevin has been fishing twice and caught 8 trout both times. He has a new boat and new trolling techniques. He says he likes it because he can go at 7:30 in the morning instead of 4 AM. I always though the 4AM thing was insane.

We are getting ready for a visit from Kev's sister Bonne and her husband Joey, and his brother Chris. Its been 6 years since Bonne and Joey came (for James' and Leanna's wedding) and 19 years since his brother was here. We are planning to go biking on the Hiawatha Trail and Trail of the Coeur d'alene's and of course, since Bonne is a quilt nut, we will go on a shop hop. There are at least 4 very nice quilt shops within 50 miles of here.

I had a record setting month in June for billings and so that will make for a nice fat paycheck for the next few paydays. Health care is certainly recession proof, but unfortunately, I am seeing alot of stress related illnesses due to the recession. Also saw two cases of the Swine flu last week and so got my exposure, but did not develop it.

Got a fab new Software from Bernina called "My Label". You take 47 precise measurements and a 3-d model morphs into your body. Then there are pattern styles that you can create to fit your body exactly. There is a steep learning curve and lots of possibilities. I made a terrific fitting and flattering pair of pants for work last week, but I'll admit, there have been a few duds made before that. There is a lot to learn, but that's what I like. Bernina is having a webinar on July 7 on pattern alternations and I can't wait. Had to go out an buy a headset for VOIP to participate. All this learning really helps me feel young and keeps my mind sharp.

Went to the North Idaho Quilters show this last weekend. It was great. I could have spent alot more time there, but my long suffering husband started getting bored within a half hour and humming in his bored way. I wanted to leave him at home, but he said he wanted to come (I'm sure to keep an eye on me that I didn't spend too much.)

While there, I saw a saying, done in sparkles, meant to be affixed to fabric...

"Born Free...Now I'm Expensive". Its true, its me, but...how many other females who are like that actually make the money to support their habits?

Now I have had to put my sewing stuff away until after Bonne and Joey and Chris leave in order to clean up and get ready for them. Oh...I am really missing it.

Lauren is doing fabulous. She is 23 weeks pg and has been following her gestational diabetes diet and doing a great job in addition to being a great mom to Natalie and working 36 hours a week. I'm very proud of her.

We took Natalie out for her birthday last Friday and I gave her all her pets. She is such a sweet child, but I have to giggle, because now, everything out of her mouth sounds like it came from a Barbie princess movie or Pretty Ponies.. It is sooooooo sweeeeeet. She is going to be a great big sister. I think even though Lauren didn't plan her babies 8 years apart, its going to be a good thing because each child will feel special.

My son James is doing awesome as usual, although the recession may have put a damper on his Chief ambitions for awhile. Chiefs aren't getting out of the military so the E-7 rate is overmanned in Persion. His 27th birthday is coming up and I don't know what to get him. Any ideas anyone?

Well, if James birthday is coming up that means mine is too! Will be 53. Sounds old, but doesn't feel that way. I remember my mom always said the 50's were the best years and so far I agree with her.

Well, enough chatting. I'll sign off and leave you with one picture from the week, taken with Kevin's new camera.